


I'm sorry

by Kael_san



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 16:55:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20312869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kael_san/pseuds/Kael_san
Summary: Spock's point of view after a mission that went apparently wrong, forcing him to abandon his own desires.





	I'm sorry

Then I saw the captain’s face, evidently confused, petrified at my eyes, moving his earth iris and opening the pupil while the doubt, the uncertainty, made his way between his innocence. I certainly predicted this situation, and this reaction, of course, but I never thought it would be so hard to be apart from him. I mean, we have been apart in many situations, but not with the confidence, the certitude, that this will be forever.

That’s the reason I turned around trying not to see him. Dr Mccoy was talking to him, I could have heard the words he tossed in the air, but it was not my goal, not even necessary, because I could anticipate the argument that I knew was definitely wrong. Hence, I stayed there, waiting for the moment to come, waiting for the end of a live in this universe. Jim said it the last time we played 3D chess, "Queen must be sacrificed if there's at least one chance the King can win". I never forget Kirk’s words, I hope, instead, that he never remembers them, he’s intelligent enough to find the meaning.

I suddenly perceived a difference in the atmosphere, the quiet, peaceful and soft air became opaque and locked, illogical, nothing really changed, except a human.  
“Spock…” resounded in the place.

I could not deal with his eyes again, now covered in tears, so I only tilted my head slightly, just to see Kirk’s and Mccoy’s shape.

I wanted to say that words, I really wanted to say them, let him know what he really means, now and forever, and finally, after all these years, break free from my own judgement, but the carrying capacity of the mind is limited, and I chose his freedom over mine.

Thus, I decided to grant the last sound of my voice with a useless, empty words. I planned to say “I’m sorry, Jim”. Instead, my vulcan brain took control of my phonological system, in fact, I’m grateful for that, because he would lose a crew member, not a friend.

“I’m sorry, captain”.

***

I could only look at what I had left behind, the infinity of a desert of black sand stretched out uncontrollably, strewn with the stars we once had seen together from the vessel. Now we had a very different perspective, and yet for them it didn’t matter, the distance, the words, we didn’t matter, they would remain there until the end of their days, and even when they die they would blind us with bright corpses, tricking our eyes, our heart.

How I missed the things that I disregarded once, the unpleasant heat, the suffocating sun burning my cheeks, the hustle of Shikahr, the skies dyed in red and orange forging the fiery landscapes of Vulcan. I was surrounded by an impressive pointillism painting created by a brilliant mind, and yet, I missed distant lands. And for a moment, I missed the rain, falling down all over my face, our face, who would ever have said I'll find happiness in such a plain phenomenon? Rain has always allowed me something that nobody has ever granted me, because tears blend with water, and I do not have to worry about someone seeing me cry. But now I was not going to weep, I simply couldn’t.

And suddenly I heard a voice coming from somewhere.

Impossible, just out of all logic, I was in space, alone, surrounded by the most powerful desolation, the absolute nothing, but the unlimited everything. So, I thought about my own thinking, I probably was getting demented. I knew it was determined, but not that it would be so fast. The quiet, the calm, the impassive silence returned in a breathing, but then again, a whisper, it seemed a male voice, sa-mekh?

I sharpened my senses and I stayed quiet in front of my cabin window, eyes closed. The voice appeared again in my brain, and that third time I recognized it immediately, he wasn’t Sarek. It came as the Vulcan sun so badly needed, turning my face green again, as the most brilliant and inspiring warmth, but at the same time, as if I had pierced his human emotions, I felt awfully ashamed and guilty.

He called my name, incessant, persistent, trying, with no doubt, to contact me, I don’t know how he was able to do it, but It was undoubtedly doctor’s fault. I took a deep breath and remained silent, waiting, only expecting for the voice to surrender, the only voice I could hear in this vast universe and I was rejecting it. I could not take the risk, I had to hide his existence, now and forever, and I was sane enough, and, in captain’s words, stubborn, to stay unalterable, determined. A sight escaped through my lips while I opened my eyes seeing again the magnitude of all darkness, I would do everything in my hand to decline that calls.

But deep inside me, a concern was irritating my tenacity and logic, because at some point my body and my brain would ask for rest and my barriers would stop resisting with the effectiveness they had until now.

I had no way of knowing what would happen when I fell asleep, so I kept there, standing in front of space, I could only wait for death to come before.

***

A blurry silhouette was standing in front of me, in a white space filled with what seemed some kind of mist.  
Was I dead yet? Or was I only dreaming? I really wished it was the first option, but my expectations and hopes suddenly broke when I recognized the person standing in front of me.  
He was silent, his face covered in an unusual stoicism showing no sign of emotion.

“leave me” I begged to Jim.

"That's not logic at all" He replied as if he despised my words, and that sentence resounded loud and imposing in the place. "That's not you" He continued as I still was processing it, "that's not the Spock I knew".  
Those words stuck in my chest like a knife, deeper and deeper with every sound, causing a pain I knew I couldn't hold for long, but I still maintained silence, although the echoes of his voice conquered my entire brain. And his lips were closed, and his gaze lost in that nowhere, but they repeated as the sound does in the mountain peaks, again and again, as the incessant persistence of a desperate and reckless man at the edge of a cliff.

"Shut up" I loud cried surprising myself, maybe trying to save him from the fall to hopelessness, but at the same time being a selfish, unrecognizable and impulsive being trying to save myself.  
He approached still not showing any sign of emotion, that confused me, because I expected a little surprise at least, but no, nothing at all. Jim... he was always so gushing, proud of senses, the definition of a human himself, why he was suddenly so different?  
He got closer and touched my cheek with so warm and soft skin that I couldn’t help but fall in the secure, heated, and endless comfort as I closed my fatigued eyes.

"Why Spock?" softly whispered.

I almost cried at the feel of his touch and fragility of his voice, but I was too tired and, I must admit, relieved he was there, that I could barely say a few words without thinking "Because you deserve better".

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be nothing but a short writing in a boring day, but now I'd like to continue.
> 
> Just in case:  
sa-mekh = Father
> 
> And btw nobody dies in this story although it may seem so by now.


End file.
